Ho, ho, ho! Hello, world! Santa Claus, here. The good* little boys and girls at Unique Hunters asked Jolly Ol’ St. Nick to take a moment from getting ready for my yearly Christmas flight around the globe to recommend the DCI Santa’s Bottle Cap to families who need a few practical stocking-stuffers.
“Of course,” Santa said. “After all, it’s not like I have less than two months to do the combined work of roughly five Walmart staffs or a single Chinese Apple production center with only a pack of midgets to assist me. What’s so important about vet appointments for the flying reindeer who make sure I don’t go down in flames over the Atlantic and find out whether ‘BioShock’ was a documentary? Please, let me sacrifice the 30 minutes I’ll have to let off a little egg nog in the shower so I can tell people how to shop!”
Anyway, it just so happens that Santa loves this ingenious little hat. You see, Santa could swear some of you naughty little ragamuffins have never heard of twist-top bottles. Trying to open certain caps while wearing warm gloves can get harder than that frozen dump I let Rudolph leave on the 50-yard line at Lambeau Field every year (he’s a huge Vikings fan.) When some little hipsters leaves an overpriced microbrew that Santa can’t pop right open and Santa’s frost-bitten fingers get all cut up trying to twist the lid off with his bare hands, that’s how Mr. and Mrs. Skinny-Jeans end up with stockings full of Hooter’s gift certificates and Metallica albums.
Instead, this hat will allow Santa to crack open a cold one using the bottle-opener hidden inside the end. No muss, no fuss, and most importantly, no waking up little Cindy-Lou Who with a spontaneous string of very bad words that would make that Katt Williams lad blush. It’s a more important gift than you might think, boys and girls: if Santa doesn’t get some suds every few houses, families who leave Santa sugar-free cookies and soy milk wake up to smoke alarms in the living room and missing iPhones instead of hoofbeats on their roofs.
* – Santa reserves the right to revise his definition of “good,” depending on whether someone hooks him up with an IZVIBE for Mrs. Claus.