Faux Real Face Masks Realistically Replicates Creepy People

You smug millennials think you have it all figured out. Or at least Faux Real does when it comes to halloween masks.

Halloween rolls around, and you parade around in your fancy Old-Man Masks like this polyester number here. Well, la-dee-freakin’-da. When we were your age, do you think we had one-stop online superstores to deliver inexpensive costumes directly to our doors? Ha! Shows what you know about the struggle.

In our day, we worked for our spooky get-ups. Forget completing an order in minutes or less. We had dial-up, and we liked it just fine, thank you very little. That ear-splitting modem tone built character. If one of us wanted to parade around looking like a wrinkled old fart, we had to cut the face off one of our elders. Oh, your mask lets for skin breathe comfortably, eh? You say it wicks away moisture? Spoiled whippersnapper. By the time Halloween was over and we had to throw away our homemade masks, all that heat and moisture sent rashes of newly developed character spreading all over our faces. We were proud to stretch that flesh over our noses, mouths and jawlines instead of trusting some professional flim-flam costume designer to make a flexible, realistic-looking facsimile.

Don’t even get us started on what we had to go through if we wanted to panhandle for sweets dressed as a big smiling pile of poop, either.