Dear Santa Claus,
Hi there! Big fans, love your work, especially the early stuff when you somehow KNEW we wanted nothing more than Hungry, Hungry Hippos and a Nintendo Entertainment System when we were eight years old. Without a doubt, your best work.
That’s why we hope you won’t mind if we call you out of retirement for one more epic-scale gig. You see, we’re millenial homeowners now who have been tremendously well-behaved all year. We locked our George Lucas voodoo dolls in buried safes and forgot the combinations, so that we wouldn’t be tempted to dig ’em back up and go to town if it ends up being just the “Special Editions” of the original STAR WARS trilogy that come back to theaters.
We also said lots of extra prayers that burying the voodoo dolls didn’t accidentally suffocate him. We’re trying, OK?
We complied with the restraining order’s “request” that we stop making “Finish the next book by Christmas or go ‘Red Wedding’ on puppies…” threats to George R.R. Martin.
We didn’t egg Taylor Swift’s mother. We didn’t “accidentally” kick D-Dog while playing METAL GEAR SOLID V. We adopted homeless drunks and fed orphans.
Now, all we’re asking of you is a little something to complement our third-generation Nest thermostat and Roomba 980 and round out our house designed to amaze, befuddle and perhaps frighten the bejeezus out of our Amish neighbors when we have them over for tea and a barn-raising.
We need this Zmodo Smart Wi-Fi Doorbell.
Look into your holly-jolly heart, Fat Man. You know that all man’s wildest dreams have led him to one aspiration: to address visitors at our door, without ever actually opening it, via our smartphones wherever we are in glorious wide-angle HD video with real-time cloud recording and motion detection. When we’re in bed with – *ahem* – “company” on a Sunday morning, we don’t want our lusty moans and groans to leave the Jehovah’s Witnesses leaving with any doubt as to what they were about to interrupt. Go tell it on the Mountain, boys: if the house is a-rockin’, don’t come a knockin’. On the other hand, we’d rather go easy on Aunt Shirley.
Think of the power in our hands with just minutes of setup and one download of Zmodo’s free MeShare app: every guest is identified with a 30-second instant motion-captured clip and can be greeted at our discretion with a custom pre-recorded voice message.
Besides, St. Nicky-kins, scope out the hardware this handy, user-friendly monitoring device boasts:
- 720p HD Camera
- Motion sensor starts recording video instantly and triggers an automatic mobile alert
- Main button to have the doorbell call your phone
- Speaker with crisp and clear audio delivery
- Infrared LEDs for clear night vision
- Microphone for superb communication and detection of loud sounds
- LED status indicator
Look, if your reluctance has anything to do with that saucy STEVEN UNIVERSE fan-art, we can explain.