We are developing some serious suspicious doubts about this assumption that unicorns are either phenomenally rare or entirely nonexistent. Either there’s a vast conspiracy afoot concealing innumerable roving herds of these stunning magical beasts, or someone is making a mint off the same poor individual creature supplying bottled tears that get people shit-faced, rainbow bowel-movement soft-serve, and now, pressurized cans of its gold-infused farts.
Remember last year’s Squatty Potty commercials? The ones in which Prince Rapey-Face made a unicorn defecate a lengthy, uninterrupted multicolored ice cream turd to demonstrate a footstool that improves your pooping experience through better posture? The same bathroom brain trust has now introduced the world to Unicorn Gold, an anti-odor spray that vanquishes your poopy smells with an aromatic spell.
At last, your shit literally will not stink.
This miracle product holds your anal stench at bay on two fronts: first, the film it forms when you mist it over the water’s surface before you “pay your taxes to Prince John” locks in odor beneath it; meanwhile, its infusion of magnetic gold molecules glom onto reeking particles floating through the “Drop Zone” between your chute and the water to neutralize any lingering fumes.
There. Are you happy, world? Just because centuries of human evolution and civilization weren’t enough time for you to figure out how to stop pooping, a mystic forest monarch of legend goes about its day with a hose and suction cup clamped over its pooper. Lucky you, this natural blend of essential oils also comes in a range of pleasing fragrances including Citrus Squeeze, Pinch of Vanilla, Tropical Dropsicle, Mystic Forest, and Fruity Booty.
We wouldn’t want you to be disappointed in the bouquet of gases plundered directly from a unicorn’s butt, now, would we? Heaven forbid.