Yes, welcome to Peter S. Beagle’s private booth in Hell – still being alive, this great man himself hasn’t even seen this exclusive preview: Unicorn Dust, a spangle-laden paint that could only be a byproduct of this realm’s rarest, most beautiful and revered magical guardian of the woodlands.
You know what? We draw the line right here. Yes, this glittery goop will bedazzle any fabric, wood, cardboard, paper or other surface such that your project will look like something barfed stars all over it. Ask yourselves, though: at what price?
Just where do you all suppose Unicorn Dust comes from? If you guessed anywhere except “from a unicorn”, then may the Red Bull himself rampage into your bedroom while you sleep and mistake your nethers for Mia Farrow’s face.
Between your damn craft herpes and sparkly vodka, Somewhere, an enchanted forest will never again ring with the shrill testicle-shriveling voice of Woody Allen’s ex-wife because novelty companies give no two f***s about slaying magical horseys just to siphon off dust from…whatever part of a unicorn gives off shiny particulates? The horn? The bone? Some mysterious organ unique to its species?
Buy the Unicorn Dust. Or not. You butchers. You’re no better than Tim Curry to us.