What’s So Funny ‘Bout Peace, Love, And Epic ‘Staches?
OK, so our headlines lack the rumination of Elvis Costello lyrics. Still, it’s a fair question, isn’t it?
The 2016 National Beard and Mustache Competition in Nashville, Tenn. lived up to every bit of the manly pageantry we’ve come to expect every year from America’s festival of fantastic facial fleece. Our minds were bent and blown by a beard sculpted into a mustache. We were left in awe of deftly shaped intricate curls that twisted one around another. Of course, our jaws still drop to our feet every time we look at that fellow who protruded his beard and mustache what looks to be a good half-foot out from his face into the shape of a gaping beak.
What keeps us riveted to this kooky contest year upon year? What is it about especially lush whiskers that compels us to fall to our knees in reverence?
Well, upon some thought, it really is fairly simple: these are feats nature simply precludes many men from achieving themselves.
We’ve likely all known somebody who can manage growing a ruggedly sexy coat of five o’clock shadow that Snake Plissken could admire but never produces a rich coat of fur that would turn Al Borland greenish-plaid with envy. Instead, they typically end up sporting pathetically wispy whiskers that make them look like they’ve been making out with the inside of a vacuum cleaner bag.
These men among manly men? It takes a couple testosterone factories the size of planetoids to proudly sport facial hair too elaborate for some “Final Fantasy” characters would attempt. When it comes to the juice to cultivate chin coats such as these, you’ve either got it or you don’t. These wizards of whiskers? Oh, they’ve got it.