Stranger Things Funko POP! Figures Give Us Our 80’s Sci-fi Fix With Mini Eggos

Dear Duffer Brothers,

Hey, guys. Hope this open letter finds you well. Just to start this off on the right note, thank you from here to the Upside Down and back for “Stranger Things,” or as we’ve come to think of it, “The Greatest Stephen King Story Ever Told, Even Counting Almost Everything Ever Written By Stephen King.” It tells a terrifying story of helplessness against the unknown that often places its adults on the same plane of desperate, fearful vulnerability as its wide-eyed children. That’s to say nothing of the lurking, spine-tingling synth score and the addition of some of our all-time favorite 1980s hits by Foreigner, Joy Division, and of course, The Clash.

Now that we’ve got that pleasantry out of the way, we offer a word of warning.

We’re pleased as punch to see that Funko has revealed a full line of “Stranger Things” POP! Vinyls now available for pre-order before they hit stores this April. Thank you, from the bottom of our Eggo-lovin’ hearts, for an extensive lineup that includes Eleven with waffle in hand and both her buzzed hair and quite “pretty” blonde wig, two versions of the Demogorgon, Mike, Dustin, Lucas, and Will. Really, that’s pretty much every base we could hope you would cover.

We also couldn’t help but notice that you’ve teased Hot Topic-exclusive Upside Down Will and ThinkGeek-exclusive Barb figurines. Well, that’s just neat. We’d like to have a word about that last one, though.

Here’s the deal: we know you’re hard at work conceiving a second season. You must know we would all rather you quit teasing us and divulge the fate of Nancy’s faithful friend. Come on. Eight episodes, and you couldn’t have spoiled a few more answers? Don’t leave us hanging again. We have ways of ensuring that you won’t escape POP! Vinyl Barb’s beady, black eyes anywhere you go until you remember to tie up this pesky dangling thread. Most of our methods won’t even run afoul of your average restraining order.

Our eyes and ears are everywhere. When you go to pour your coffee, Barb will stare up from your mug. The next time you run to the bathroom, you may find Barb perched atop the toilet paper. SHould you forego sleeping with one eye open, you might even wake one morning to find that our favorite mild-mannered redhead has cloned herself a few dozen times over and glued her duplicates to the ceiling above your bed.

If you won’t remember, we don’t mind reminding you. Let’s not turn this into another “Who did Negan kill?” thing, shall we?

You see, the combination of “Game of Thrones” toying with our affections for Jon Snow, “The Walking Dead” twice playing on our love for Glenn to sadistically cock-tease us for months at a time last season, and every season so far of “Arrow” has so cheapened our faith in permanent death and percolated our trust issues that we just can’t take anything at face value. That’s why it makes absolutely no difference to us that you swore before a convention hall full of fans that a slug creeping out of Barb’s mouth definitively equals “dead as a doornail.” People don’t just die on TV. Everybody knows that. However, we’d really rather not draw this cliffhanger out into something ugly, so if you would waste as little time as possible next season assuring us that a reunion with our favorite future frumpy fantasy librarian awaits, we can all just get on with our lives in peace. Hey, this type of thing brought Brian back to “Family Guy.” Why shouldn’t we believe it can resurrect the true shining star of our favorite Netflix-original spoonful of suspense?