Pfft. Screw keeping X-Wings a safe, harmless distance from an unthinkably powerful space station’s one unforgivably ill-protected weak point. This Star Wars Death Star Toaster deploys the Empire’s legendary TIE Interceptors to the surface of our toast to protect us from going hungry until lunch rolls around.
Touch our breakfast again, rebel scum. We dare you. Of course, by “rebel scum”, we mean “Duane from Accounting”. The things we would give and cherished elderly relatives we would sell into slavery to Walmart that we might know the power of a real-life TIE fleet at our beck and call. No force in all the galaxy would dare lay siege to our crusty, buttered treats.
Alas, we’ll have to settle for this officially licensed Death Star-styled two-slice toaster that brands our bread with the galaxy’s most feared fighters, marking them as unquestionably ours. Much like the Death Star itself, its cool-touch housing keeps the heat inside where it belongs. On the outside, we can choose from reheat, defrost, and quick-stop functions and tweak its adjustable thermostat to ensure an immaculate brown every time. When breakfast is over, who needs a trash compactor occupied by a swimming tentacle beast? Nobody needs that watching over their trash. Anywhere. In this case, we simply remove the crumb tray, dump, and go about our day.
This is no moon. It’s a kitchen appliance.