Screw big wet bags of every maker of cotton swabs. Yeah, we said it. Your “DON’T INSERT DIRECTLY INTO EARS” warning is a cruel crock of bullshit.
Hey, want to know exactly when we decided to stick them directly into our ears? The instant you told us not to do that. Seriously, what did you think we would do as soon as that option entered our minds? We weren’t going to stick them up our Cleveland Browns and hop naked around the office singing “Here Comes Peter Cottontail”.
That’s for Easter Sunday only. Otherwise, it just loses all meaning.
Lucky for you, Johnson & Johnson, we discovered the Hog Wild X-Bow. It’s a pocket-sized functional crossbow that launches included one-sided cotton swabs wherever we choose with surprising accuracy – even directly into our co-workers’ ears! Just rest the cord in the notch, load up a cottony-tipped bolt, and pull the launch ring down. Hey, if Chairman Meow doesn’t want to absorb small-arms fire to his furry forehead, he can quit shredding everything inside our bathroom trashcans the second our backs are turned.
It’s either that, or we find a place for him in our Easter tradition. His call.