IT Pennywise Clown Mask & Costume Is Full Of Tasty, Tasty Fear

(Hey, everyone! Two things to point out about this Pennywise Costume….

First off, at the time of writing this, it is currently sold out online. Nevertheless, we urge you to keep checking back for renewed availability.

Second, a plea for some common-bloody-sense: please, do not parlay the stunningly revived popularity of “IT” into another random campaign of stalking, intimidation or harassment as some all-too-bored individuals did in 2016. After all, Halloween is primarily a holiday geared toward children. Going out of your way to excessively terrify particularly young boys and girls gratifies only you and any adult who catches you in the act and beats every memory of the third grade out of your apparently misfiring brain.

Also, be mindful that service-industry workers become understandably uneasy toward anyone walking into a gas station, restaurant, retailer or any other such business wearing a mask on Oct. 31 – especially after dark. If you are just barely dense enough to not understand how that could turn disastrous and make someone else’s Halloween nerve-wracking, think of this as a suggestion to masquerade as a considerate human being who happens to enjoy wearing a clown disguise.)

Every Halloween, there’s that one costume that everyone has to have. You know how it unfolds: one minute, you and a snarky pal agree to a drinking game wagering one shot for every partygoer or trick-or-treater dressed as a certain gender-bent, “sexy,” child-friendly or even occasional straightforward impression of a Disney character, Marvel hero, memetic icon, political firebrand, Deadpool or Harley Quinn. There must always be Deadpool and Harley Quinn. Everywhere.

The next thing you both know, you’re waking up naked in a cornfield together covered from head to toe in Astroglide and trying to piece together which of you suggested having a Diego Rivera mural tattooed across all four of your combined ass-cheeks.

For 2017, this is IT.

Come on, now. Be honest. When you shortlisted the commercial costume artists most likely to admirably nail an ensemble that sets the stage for a letter-perfect take on Stephen King’s newly reborn extra-dimensional immortal clown Pennywise, Spirit was the first retailer to cross your mind. Now, you could keep it simple and leave well-enough alone with this officially licensed collar, polyester top and nightmare-brewing mask based on the malevolent centerpiece to Warner Bros.’ recently acclaimed big-screen adaptation of King’s horror masterpiece, “IT.” After all, a 2016 international epidemic of randomly loitering sinister clowns already reminded the world that few images epitomize bed-soiling terror quite like a red nose and some artfully applied greasepaint. You’d be surprised how few of those incidents even involved Juggalos. Face it, this O.G. slayer of brats has capped his long-awaited comeback upon a renewed apex of coulrophobia.

Then again, Pennywise was cranking up the volume on the seemingly unavoidable “creep” factor of even well-meaning clowns decades before Instagram, Twitter and Facebook were around to elevate flooding children’s trousers with rivers of urine to a fleeting “LULZ” fad. We hate to say it, but his name has re-emerged on the tips of stammering, fearful tongues right on the cusp of the moment “Can’t sleep, clown’ll eat me” could give way to “meh” at any time. You might want to step up your game.

For starters, if you plan to traipse about in public as Derry’s bloodthirsty jester, you will need to purchase pants separately. Next, devoted anglophiles could pair the ubiquitous all-caps stylization of the monstrous eternal flesh-glutton’s moniker with a certain nerdy flair by wearing an appropriately labeled “IT” nametag and constantly answering non-existent phone calls to ask, “Have you tried turning it off and on again?” If mashing up a modern horror classic and “The IT Crowd” somehow doesn’t ring with enough dry wit for, say, a room full of Faith No More obsessives, you could always walk from one group of strangers to another asking, “What is IT?” Someone is bound to eventually realize you didn’t dress up as an existentially challenged vision of Pennywise, finish the lyric bridge with “It’s it…” and aid you in leading a rousing sing-along of “Epic.”

Clowns plus Mike Patton equals the single greatest Halloween party in human history. Bank on this. The world is your oyster.