Just how much do we love the voodoo-style OUCH! Toothpick Holder, you ask? Well, allow us to break it down like a fraction: that skank Susie Merkel told our crush, Billy Wilson, we looked pregn ant in our Junior Prom photos, and now, we spend lunch making sure she’ll never have to wonder whether nipple piercings hurt.
OK, so not everybody will dress up this little mojo man in a cutesy cheerleader kit and stuffed bra (if Susie has legit D-cups, then we have platinum tallywhackers that summon rare Pokémon and shoot unicorn semen) but feel free to jab the washable soft silicone body with impunity. The OUCH! Toothpick Holder keeps a firm grip on your tiny wooden implements without going to pieces.
That’s a lot more than we can say for Susie when we spend third-period Spanish pricking her pleasure zeppelins. Bitch.