For whatever our less-than-expert opinions may be worth to naturalists everywhere, no denizen of sea is quite so generally underappreciated or underestimated as the octopus.
It should be enough that they are already the living embodiments of Lovecraftian eldritch horrors. These eight-armed invertebrates have been observed practically sprinting across rocks to emerge from the water and grab an unsuspecting takeout snack off dry land. They have proven themselves more than capable of hauling ass up vertical glass walls any old time they feel like a stroll.
To top it off, while octopus may be a popular Pacific delicacy, there’s a particular style of service that causes the lifeless arms to “dance” wildly when spritzed with soy sauce. We do love us some zombie seafood.
Naturally, we so revere this noble and enigmatic oceanic predator that we want to stuff a lightbulb inside one of its orifices and read comic books in the dark by its glow.
Seeing as we have a ways to go ethically and practically before we can harness organic life’s natural electrical charge to power our light fixtures, we’ll have to settle for the You Octo Glow Lamp. This attractive luminous cephalopod facsimile is fashioned from immaculate marbled amber on top with a richly colored bronze tentacle base. Each 7.5-inch-tall imported lamp is fitted with a 65-inch cord and includes one 7 watt light bulb.
Look, we won’t promise to stop trying to convert ocean life into decorative nightstand accessories. We can promise that when evolution throws Cthulu’s little crotch-dumplings a bone and they become the next formidable marine creatures to survive on dry land, the You Octo Glow Lamp has given us great ideas for ensuring that the ones we slay won’t go to waste on the battlefields.
If anything, there’s always that soy sauce thing.