Now You Can Buy Live Goats On Amazon Home To Eat Your Nuisance Vegetation

Is there a finer thing in all this world than the earthy aroma of freshly cut grass?

We’re so glad to rhetorically pretend you asked, friends. Yes, as a matter of fact, there is: there’s realizing that mechanically revolutionized lawn care has, like driving through a Biblical rain of blood with worn-out windshield wipers, made life MORE difficult through the “convenience” of affordable machinery. After that epiphany, there’s also opting to strike a deal with Mother Nature’s four-legged garbage disposals to manage your unruly lawn vegetation while you nurse a beer, watch a ballgame, meditate on the kismet of man’s existence and eventually fashion a cold-fusion device from hopes, dreams and a discarded George Foreman grill in your basement.

Sound good? Thank a goat.

That’s right. Thanks to Amazon Home Care, weary lawn jockeys across the country can arrange to have their properties’ unruly and unwanted vegtation professionally assessed and then strategically graved by nature’s most amiable indiscriminate eating machine this side of Michael Moore. Your free estimate will include a recommended number of goats to be loaned out to you for a suggested period and a number of regularly scheduled visits from a trained goat wrangler to check up on the living lawnmowers and their temporary fencing.

It’s a pretty simple principle, really: think about all the thistles, kudzu, wisteria, nuisance grasses and poison ivy, oak and sumac you cut, weed-whack, burn, trash and otherwise decimate on a yearly basis. To a goat, that’s like setting fire to a kingly feast. Everything we homeowners consider invasive, curious and not-at-all-picky goats will deem a convenient lunch. You trained professional consultant can identify and explain in a matter of minutes with a few convenient photos and provided property measurements just what goats will come running to feast upon. A personal on-site assessment scheduled online with your pro may incur some extra cost with no obligation to purchase any services.

You know what they say: one man’s trash if a snack turned into poop by a goat. Something like that.
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