‘Murica, we have indeed come to this. We’ve seen schools go to laughable extremes to punish bringing toy guns onto educational grounds. We’ve even seen children punished just for making gun gestures with their fingers, which would make inarguable sense, if human beings had collectively evolved index fingers with internal firing pins for discharging bullets.
For decades, we who masturbate ourselves to sleep nightly with the Second Amendment tattooed upon our palms have feared the day our government would come to claim our guns. Believe us, just because we’ve predicted the same happening every year for whole decades without it ever coming to pass doesn’t mean we’ve been wrong. Let this be our line in the sand: freedom will breathe its last the day we can’t gobble down corn with M16 Corn Holders plunged into each end.
The right to bear arms is, has always been and always will be an inextricable fundamental element of eating one’s vegetables. What good is chasing three KFC Double Downs with an ear of deep-fried corn if we can’t typewriter those golden nuggets with miniature assault rifles between our meaty, greasy fingers?