We’ve been hard at work reaching one very convincing conclusion: actual Jolly Ranchers make terrible pillows. Like, seriously horrible “I regret everything” bedding.
For comfort’s sake, we realize now that we should have totally just gone with these soft throw pillows modeled the classic long-lasting fruity hard candies. Maximum comfort with really superb breathability and none of the painful lessons we’ve learned.
You see, we all happen to live with the same very rare phobia: an unnatural fear of dreaming about consuming a giant marshmallow and accidentally smothering ourselves trying to eat an entire pillow in our sleep. The therapist that gave Unique Hunters a great group rate diagnosed us all with what he very scientifically and methodically diagnosed as “pants-on-head ‘nanners”.
His words, not ours.
Our solution? Rest out heads on enormous foods. That way, if we should end up sleep-gorging, we just get a tasty midnight snack without choking on stuffing and 300-thread-count pillow cases. Want to konw what we learned from the Jolly Ranchers?
First off, never sleep on candy when prone to night-sweats.
Second, people with full heads of hair who are prone to night-sweats REALLY should not sleep on anything that gets sticky when wet.
Third, if you have a full head of hair, are prone to night-sweats and plan to sleep on a great big Jolly Rancher, at least do not do it in mid-July when your air conditioner has failed.
Finally, we learned that not everyone can pull off the bald look. Poor Jane from human resources. WKRP IN CINCINATTI-era Loni Anderson one day, and the next? “Stone Cold” Steve Austin.
