There is no greenery but what we grow for ourselves. This thing, this statue, would look really among it. Possibly alongside some daisies.
The Gnominator Garden Gnome would never stop…uh, standing perfectly still.
It would never leave you. It’s a garden gnome. Should it move, assume something has gone terribly wrong with the natural order.
It would never hurt you, never shout at you, get drunk and hit you, or say it’s too busy to spend time with you. If a statue ever DOES hit you or kick your ass after getting drunk or refuse to hang out with you, then what you have is not a statue. That’s a person. It could be a Weeping Angel with some issues.
It would always be there; garden gnomes aren’t known for being very spry. It would die to protect you. Of course, when we say “die”, we mean you could throw it at someone or beat an intruder over the head with it from behind. Bastard has some heft.
Of all the would-be fathers who could come and go over the years, this thing, this Gnominator Garden Gnome, is the only one that is a statue. If this turns out to be the only one that measures up, we would feel sorry for you. In an insane world where that kind of thing could happen, that would be a sane choice.