BigMouth Inc’s gigantic One Cup Of Coffee mug lays into our loved ones’ pleas for us to dial back our caffeine the best way we now how to infuriate anyone who stands in the way of the things we love: aggravating semantic loopholes.
Hey, we played nice with each and every last one of you. You begged us to quell our case-a-day Red Bull habit after Duane from Accounting swore he could save John F. Kennedy by harnessing the Speed Force. To be entirely fair, watching him crash through the Ladies Room wall made our minds up for us, but we took your point.
We didn’t see the harm in grinding No-Doz tablets down and mixing them into the water cooler during the holiday rush. We also didn’t know Mary Sue was hydrating heavily to help herself lose weight for her wedding. You have to giver her credit, however, for her perpetually jolted nervous system after winning that year-long paper discount in a staring contest with the Staples sales representative who dropped by the office Christmas Eve.
It tied an anchor to our Friday “Call Of Duty” games, but we even gave back that stolen vending machine key we lifted from the Pepsi delivery driver while he was trying to point out the dry wall embedded in Duane’s skull as our resident speedster stumbled back to his desk. Here we are, though: one cup of coffee per day.
Yep, one 64 oz. cup of coffee every morning. Thank you for bringing us to our senses.
Be advised, the BigMouth Inc. One Big Cup Of Coffee Mug is not made for microwaves.