Yes, 2016 ended up providing little more than a parade of hot, ugly messes rained down upon the world. It turns out, it was also a great year to be a dick.
We would like to have a word with Dr. Brian Le about how our “Teen Titans” erotic fan-fic novella ended up in the Department of Urology at the University of Wisconsin-Madison. Our new all-time favorite erectile dysfunction researcher has his work cut out for him convincing us that he just happened to envision a super-elastic “memory metal” penile implant that generates an instant erection when heated without having read our tale of Cyborg demonstrating a similarly functioning bionic boner to a hot-and-bothered Starfire and an awkward-but-curious Beast Boy.
Look, we don’t want royalties. We just want some serious cheddar.
That’s right, one lump payment of the sharpest mouth-watering cheddar your fine state stakes its legendary reputation on, and you never have to hear from us again. About a metric ton should suffice. We go through a lot of homemade macaroni.
“It’s a survivorship issue”
The implant’s heat-activated nitinol is an immensely malleable nickel-titanium alloy that reportedly shrinks, expands, and bends in an uncannily authentic imitation of natural penile tissue. It maintains its flaccid dimensions at the body’s resting temperature and expands when heated as body heat increases during sexual arousal. It “remembers” its intended size in both states while shrinking and growing.
Le has even begun early testing of remote controls that would introduce enough heat to kickstart the implant’s expansion when waved over the penis.
Approximately one-third of men over 40 plagued by erectile dysfunction reported no bodily response to Viagra. With age, health concerns such as various cancers, heart disease, and other conditions exact increasing tolls on the sexual physiology of men who simply want confidence in their bodies back. For those the world over whose virility pills and various inconsistent, cumbersome pumps have failed to restore, it’s a single simple procedure that its innovator has likened in spirit to opting for breast implants after a mastectomy. Men plagued by diminished sexual performance deserve to feel wholly masculine again, Le firmly believes.
Testing thus far has remained strictly mechanical. The implant has yet to be observed at work in a living human body, but Le hopes it can hit the consumer market within the next five to 10 years.
“It’s a survivorship issue – restoring function can help people feel whole in their bodies again,” he said.