Fidget Retro Game Controller Spins, Clicks And Twiddles Its Way Into Our Video Game-Loving Hearts

When we were but lads and lasses standing knee-high to Billy Barty, our parents had no fidget toys to calm us the hell down when we wouldn’t or couldn’t sit still and quit fiddling with every object within reach. Back then, a concussion administered to a nine-year-old noggin with a brush handle was the quintessential foolproof way to glaze Junior’s eyes over with a thousand-yard stare long enough for Mom and Dad to get through “Dallas” without having to scream, “For the hundredth time, quit playing ‘Dentist’ with the cat!”

These days, kids and us kids-at-heart Millennials have spinners and fidget cubes to occupy restless fingers and quell anxious boredom, but there’s always a much more fulfilling way many of us would rather occupy our idle hands.

No, we don’t mean masturbation. OK, most of the time, we don’t mean masturbation.

Fine. Sometimes, we could really choose more socially acceptable times and places to masturbate. That isn’t really the point.

Actually, given the choice, we would much rather settle in for a few down-tempo hours of video games to decompress our anxiety. That’s why the inventors of the Fidget Controller like this one found on Think Geek are welcome to continue living rent-free in our heads as long as they like. You see, as much as we love pressing buttons and twirling things to center our thoughts in the here and now, nothing up until now has quite adequately replicated our favorite outlet for digital stimulation (pun absolutely and unrepentantly intended): a trusty Nintendo, Xbox or PlayStation pad. This wireless imitator, however, bears seven buttons and an analog stick to twiddle as long as we please. It’s compact, wireless, unintrusive to others and small enough to leave a hand for…um…”anything else” that might require its attention.

Do be advised, although suitable for Ages 7-107 per the packaging, small parts definitely present a potential choking hazard to children under three years of age.