Farty Pants Keychain Unleashes The Magic In Your Pants

Farts. Are. Funny. End of story.

No. You want someone to let you finish? Go beat Kanye West for an award, any award, and just wait for Jay-Z to hold up a shiny object in the crowd to distract him after he leg-humps Beyonce. After that, you can finish thanking your mom, Jesus and Elvis and close up on a point about protecting the western prairie chicken.

You don’t get to finish a counter argument that farts are not funny or that comedy is subjective or that we’re “twelve-year-old addled monkeys who mastered keyboards”. When gas builds up inside a living body to such an extent that it involuntarily expels from the anus – especially if it escapes with a pronounced and sustained machine-gun rumble or elephant-like squeel during a serendipitously ordained moment of silence – YOU LAUGH.

We don’t really give a single misguidedly trusted ass blast if you are indeed the shambling corpse of George Carlin (HILARITY RATING: dead and still funnier than the last five years of FAMILY GUY) or you consider Carrot Top an underappreciated genius the likes of which the world hasn’t seen since Yahoo Serious. Farts are hilarious.

Therefore, it stands to reason that the worthy one who wields this Farty Pants Keychain’s power to summon flatulent fanfare on command wields the almighty power of a comedic god. Verily, this portable sound machine in fact trumpets four indispensable fart sounds from the covert comfort of your own pocket at the push of a button.

Let it rip to announce you’ve entered a room. Wait for just the fleeting, immaculate moment in your sister’s wedding vows. See if you can squeeze an irresistible yuk from a future President of the United States if you should have a chance to personally glad hand at a rally between now and November.

8 Total Score
Whether you do it loud and proud, or shy and sly. Press the button and let it rip!

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