Fellow Unique Hunters employees, we’d like you all to explain this to us. What part of “PLEASE DO NOT EAT THESE DELICIOUS CANCER, BALDNESS AND IMPOTENCE-CURING BACON SANDWICHES – THEY ARE DELICIOUS AND NOT YOURS” keeps getting lost in translation?
No way we’re alone, here. We’d bet our grandmothers’ social security checks, At least one in ten of you have engaged in heist movie shenanigans in defense of your lunches against communical-fridge-raiding workplace goody bandits. When you’re sick and tired of some douchebag Danny Ocean copping your cookies, employ a Take-Out Fake-Out that switches the game from Five-Finger Discount to Last Train To NOPEville.
Now, ordinarily, we could see carting your lunch around in a genuine takeout container would only paint a bullseye on your BBQ, especially if it advertises something as gloriously delicious as Five Guys or In-N-Out Burger. This, though?
Well, remember the old SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE faux-commercial for a rusted abomination of a car that masks a supremely posh luxury sedan’s interior? Each 24-pack order includes three bags in eight styles advertising eateries guaranteed not to attract an immediate desire to nick your nosh:
- MANDALA FARMS
- BURGER LORD
- BUDGET SUSHI
- BIG MAGGIE’S
- JUAN FOR THE ROAD
- MOSTLY MEATBALLS
- BROTH BROS.
- LUCKY FLYING GOLDEN PHOENIX JADE DRAGON RESTAURANT
If you sack up your snacks in these sneaky satchels and still lose your lunch, then congratulations: you have a raccoon for a co-worker.