Eleven Bleeding Nose Candle Reminds Us, Stranger Things Have Happened

The Eleven Bleeding Nose Candle may prove to be that one piece of licensed “Stranger Things” merchandise that finally epitomizes how our favorite phenomenal Netflix original series has altered our appreciation for apparent cerebral hemorrhaging.

Unlike the enigmatic, waffle-binging young lady played by Millie Bobby Brown, our chronic nosebleeds (probably) have nothing to do with countless ethically bankrupt experiments performed on our adolescent brains. Even if they were connected, those waivers we signed in a hurry when the nice man in the white coat offered us $50 to split seemed fairly thorough. Nevertheless, with every soul-impaling headache that randomly descends upon each of us, we will set ablaze the red candle nestled in the top of an attractive ceramic bust of Eleven’s shaved head and excitedly wonder, “Is this it? When this one passes, will I finally be able to make Duane from Accounting wet himself with my thoughts whenever he sneezes?” Call us tragically delusional – so sorry you couldn’t be first to that party – but as the liquefied wax drizzles from each of her nostrils, we will choose to accept that brilliant trail of kroovy as Eleven/Brown herself reassuring us, “Just because the other 297 headaches didn’t gift you telekinesis, that doesn’t guarantee this one won’t. Hang in there!”

Even if we never end up taking turns gleefully crumpling Coke cans with our mysteriously “enhanced” minds, we can take comfort in dislodging Eleven’s waxy blockages with the included “nose-picker” tool.

The Eleven Bleeding Nose Candle is expected in stock Dec. 14, just in time for last-minute Christmas shopping.

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