Dolce & Gabbana Stereo Bag That Actually Plays Music Is $12,000

Feel free to ask us one time for every cent of the Dolce & Gabbana Stereo Bag’s $12,000 asking price, “What paint-huffing nimrod would pay the cost of an inexpensive brand-new car for a purse?”

Without fail, we would roll our eyes and answer, “Please, stop making us think. We cracked open a gallon of Sherwin-Williams exterior latex last night to celebrate sending off our wire transfer to that kindly Nigerian prince that wants to send us another secret inheritance. Third one this month!”

We’re not even sure you need to be someone who would get any use from a purse to appreciate this intricately detailed, fashion-forward audio accessory. If the price were to suddenly plummet to the cost of a steering wheel cover instead of a model year-end Honda Civic, we would have ourselves a singularly striking home for our collection of rare Garbage Pail Kid trading cards. As it stands, however, we are left to admire from afar this bag that not only identically resembles but actually functions as a throwback 1980s boombox.

Handmade from finely carved wood, each bag is patiently and thoroughly 3D painted with an authentic stereo’s detailing. You likely wouldn’t know the difference until you walked up and touched it, a privilege for which we’re fairly certain D&G charges around $500 per finger. On the more practical side, it also features zipper fastening stylized with a studded galvanized metal padlock and chain, an adjustable and detachable Ayers strap, leather-lined interior accented by a branded galvanized metal plate, metal feet studs on the base, and the quintessential amenity that has seduced mankind’s dreams since the dawn of high fashion: an AUX cable and 3.5 mm jack with molded cable assembly inside to connect your purse with your favorite latter-day personal stereo.

You read that correctly: you can play music through your purse and enjoy your favorite tunes while pondering what it’s like to touch a poor person.

The exterior volume knob is no mere decoration, either. It actually turns the system on and adjusts the loudness. The sad thing is, this is one damn clever notion. It just breaks our heart that it first dawned on a brand that insists on charging several times what quite a few people bring home in a month for a purse.

Crap. We made ourselves sad. Times like this call for that interior acrylic we’ve been saving for a special occasion. Ah, yes. The good stuff.