Not since the glory days of Edge and Christian has a WWE tag team, let alone a trio of irreverent nerdy dudes, made us halt every single thing we multitask while watching wrestling quite like The New Day. We feel compelled to throw that out there first before explaining why we want to horde Booty-O’s Cereal the way people who still grieve the loss of the ’90s have been stockpiling Surge.
(NOTE TO YOU PEOPLE: Knock that s*** off, OK? You aren’t the only ones still throwing WCW Monday Nitro parties after racing each other to the tops of garbage hills in the rain. Sharing is caring, dammit.)
It doesn’t seem like all that long ago that Xavier Woods, Kofi Kingston, and Big E were all meandering without any direction in WWE’s midcard. For all his ridiculous athleticism and agility, Kofi had a litany of various Intercontinental, United States, and Tag Team Championship runs to his credit and a few token World Championship matches to his credit, but never seemed to receive that ultimate vote of confidence to be a tippy-top guy. Meanwhile, Big E oozed charisma from every pore and displayed not-of-this-world strength, but was also floundering without WWE bookers having much in store for him. Finally, their real-life mutual friend Xavier Woods was just your average professional wrestler with a Doctorate in psychology and a pretty entertaining and popular YouTube gaming show, UpUpDownDown.
Those frustrations all amounted to a massive pivot one day when the right person in the right place at the right time agreed to let them pal around and just be themselves, in all their genuine nerdy glory. Today, Kofi is a twerking bouncy ball of WTF, Big E himself heralds the group’s walk to the ring with a booming televangelist’s command, and the brilliant Xavier plays one mean-ass trombone.
That isn’t a euphemism or obscure metaphor. The man literally blows a trombone anointed “Francesca II” after the original was demolished at ringside. He even played the “Final Fantasy” victory theme once. It is glorious.
This past March, at the WWE Network’s Roadblock special during the lead-up to Wrestlemania, The New Day paid off months of verbal alchemy that converted “booty” from a posterior synonym to an unequivocally positive adjective. When they “unveiled” Booty-O’s cereal to the hungry, butt-loving masses, it was quite possibly their “Austin 3:16” moment. It was their “Do you smell what The Rock is cooking?” That in-ring moment led to the three of them making their very first Wrestlemania entrance attired as Dragonball Z characters and marching out of a giant box of Booty-O’s.
Dreams do come true, children. We could understand that it got lost in a nerdy supernova of a shuffle, but The New Day chose no grander stage than San Diego Comic-Con to introduce the very real and (allegedly) very edible Booty-O’s now available for pre-orders priced at $12.99 per box from f.y.e. stores everywhere.
That’s right, kids. As The New Day command every single week, feel the power. Booty-O’s are laced with marshmallow booty crowns, rainbow hearts, and unicorn horns that add a sweet kiss to, per the nutritional label, recommended daily values of trombone music, unicorn magic, and positivity. It’s the cornerstone of every New Day’s breakfast.
“It’s a very real thing,” Big E himself said during the group’s SDCC panel, per IGN. “The cereal actually tastes phenomenal. It really does. We just tried it a couple days ago. It’s real.”
We never knew eating bowl after bowl of ass could make us so happy.