Real talk, here: we love BigMouth, Inc.’s hilarious take on novelty garden gnomes, from “Say What Again?” gnome watching over our azaleas and quoting Bible verses that don’t exist to “The Gnominator” keeping the riff-raff out while watching over the Unique Hunters guard shed. We just can’t imagine finer or funnier polyresin companions.
Sadly, Barfin’ Barney The Pukin’ Garden Gnome can’t join the party. We aren’t without our reasons.
It isn’t Barfin’ Barney ourself, you understand. We absolutely recommend him to liven up any and all garden parties everywhere, especially where the Natty Light flows like water and the festivities haven’t truly hit full-swing until the third or fourth “Hey, y’all! Watch this!” Look at that litlte Dickens – pukin’ up rainbows. Any less a life is a life half-lived.
Unfortunately, we foresee…..issues. You see, we have a very unique neighbor. His name is Pukey Luke, and he has a problem. Pukey Luke likes to score free drinks by telling everyone at the local VFW how he was one of the dancing “druids” onstage with Spinal Tap when they last played “Stonehenge”. Oh, the booze he schmoozes. He likes to chase it with Skittles. Lots of Skittles. Usually, a one-pound bag.
He wanders home in his little druid robes, belly full of whiskey sours and tasting the rainbow as it rises again – right into our pot-o’-gold planter. One night, this tragically coincided with Shotgun-Cleaning Saturday.
Bright side: he sometimes now goes not by Pukey Luke, but simply Luke, the Little Person With Two Assholes.
We get confused sometimes. Best not to tempt fate.