The internet’s obsessive love affair with bacon may run to immeasurable depths, but for all its inarguable culinary virtues and versatility, we offer this anecdotal warning: pork products make poor fashion accessories.
We know. Heresy, right? How we wish our experiments had played out differently. Unfortunately, we must conclude that bacon strips make phenomenally poor lanyards. Meat was clearly never intended to be worn dangling from around our necks. In Phoenix. At noon. In the middle of July.
Please, learn from the unimaginable reeking reminders our clothes will bear forever: there is no shame in “settling” for these printed imposter Bacon Lanyards. Smelling so awful that skunks dart into traffic to avoid you? Pray you never know that disgrace.