So stop drinking unicorn blood and chug from the mug! We need a compromise, here.
Don’t tell us you haven’t been drinking unicorn blood again, damn you. It’s as plain as Voldemort’s noseless face. You’re drenched in blood and banned from the Kentucky Derby because there was just no convincing you that, one, neither LEGEND nor HARRY POTTER AND THE SORCERER’S STONE were documentaries, and two, that it doesn’t work with just any pretty horsey.
How can we ever trust you at a petting zoo again?
So, we’ll make you a deal. Here. Have some Starbucks Veranda Blend with four sugars and lots of half-and-half from this Unicorn Mug. There’s 16 piping-hot ounces of it waiting there for you, filled with the fresh-ground magic of Candy Mountain. Drink the purity of the blue skies and the light of the rainbow. Yes, you can even fill it with Mountain Dew Code Red and pretend it’s the sweet blood of a magical beast that sings like Mia Farrow getting a bikini wax.
If you’ll excuse us, thanks to you, we have another shallow grave to dig and a birthday party to get back under control. Thanks for that.
